Fast and Hard

That’s how I fall. In the category of things that I’d like to change about myself, that has to be near the top of the list. My friends and my family know this. Whenever I tell them about someone that I’m interested in the first thing that pops out of their mouths is “take it slow and just be careful”. You’d think I’d learn a lesson but I never do.

And so it has been with Zach, Jeff, Chad, Shane, Tyler and Seth. All amazing people and all but one, short-lived relationships. I think it’s a combination of self-preservation and sheer terror.

In the beginning, the hopeless romantic side of me takes over. I have a hard time concentrating on much of anything else. Admittedly it is the best part. There is not much that feels better emotionally than falling in love. Then I self-destruct.

If there is one mantra for my life over the past nine years it is that I am the only person that I can depend on. This is a deep residual effect of being excommunicated and coming out. I’ve slowly gotten better about it, but it surprises me when and where it still creeps up. In my relationships and even in my friendships I find it extremely difficult to let others do for me. Anything from driving to paying for something to expressing emotions and ideas. I have no trouble providing those things, but accepting them in reciprocation? Forget it.

While the pragmatist in me always comes out at some point, I find that since Shane and because of those three years with him, my guard is pretty much constantly up. Maybe I’m pickier. I know what mistakes not to make again, that’s for sure.

Secretly though . . . I want someone to do those things for me. I want to be able to let my guard down and accept the amount of love in that I am willing to give. Easier said than done.

That’s why, when the walls finally do start to come down, they don’t come down slowly. They fall . . . fast and hard.

Paperweight
by Joshua Radin
ft. Schuyler Fisk

been up all night staring at you
wondering what’s on your mind
i’ve been this way with so many before
but this feels like the first time
you want the sunrise to go back to bed
i want to make you laugh

mess up my bed with me
kick off the covers i’m waiting
every word you say i think
i should write down
don’t want to forget come daylight

happy to lay here
just happy to lbe here
i’m happy to know you
play me a song
your newest one
please leave your taste on my tongue
paperweight on my back
cover me like a blanket

mess up my bed with me
kick off the covers i’m waiting
every word you say i think
i should write down
don’t want to forget come daylight
and no need to worry

that’s wastin time
and no need to wonder
what’s been on my mind
it’s you
it’s you
it’s you
every word you say i think
i should write down
don’t want to forget come daylight
and i give up
i let you win
you win cause i’m not counting

you made it back
to sleep again
wonder what you’re dreaming

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This entry was published on October 14, 2008 at 16:00 and is filed under falling in love, Joshua Radin, love, Paperweight. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

2 thoughts on “Fast and Hard

  1. Jeremiah on said:

    My friend Stephanie played part of this song for me this very afternoon. I’m glad you posted it so I could hear the rest of it. I may steal this for my blog… and by “may” I of course mean that I already have.

  2. Nate C. on said:

    I’m in love with this song. Mess up my bed with me . . . oh man.

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